A Strange Friend Called Change

This January saw huge changes in my life. My sister got married last month. I was quite excited about it, after the long lockdown finally had an opportunity to celebrate. I had to write the wedding toast. When I started turning the pages of memory it occurred to me that although I and she had been moderately close, her role in my life had been extremely pivotal. I realized that the dynamics of my family is going to change drastically. I enjoyed her company very much. My life was about to change and the magnitude of the change was not in my control.

Another change was happening, but this was in my control. A career opportunity had come by which involved moving to a different city. Although I had voluntarily applied for the process when the result came there was some panic at the 11th hour. I wanted to get off a train I had voluntarily boarded. What if this is not the right thing for me? Is this the best way to go forward? What if I don’t like the work? And many more questions were drafted by my overthinking mind. It kept feeling like I might be making a mistake.

For the most part of the wedding, I was feeling overwhelmed, mentally absent. In parts when action was happening, it felt like I am going to miss all this- my family, friends, all the good times, and in between those moments of pause when I used to be alone I would think if is this the right thing that I am doing. Meanwhile, as I was writing the wedding toast, I started to cry. Multiple times I came back and restarted but I couldn’t.

One good thing that I did and probably everyone should do when one is not able to think clearly is to talk to others. After talking to people whose judgment I trust, I finalized that I will be moving out. It evoked some mixed feelings. I was excited since it was an amazing opportunity. A new environment, a new set of people, a new landscape to navigate would mean amazing self-development. But I knew that I am not someone who can easily get along with new people. There was some anxiety related to that.

It is difficult to leave a place that you have called home for 20 odd years. There is a place for every mood in the house, whereas, in the new flat that I am sharing with two other guys, there is only one spot that I can call mine. It does make me sad when I think about home sometimes. Sometimes I do keep counting days for holidays to come so I can have a quick trip back home. I miss playing cricket on the weekends. I also miss my friends.

But I can see new shoots coming up. Slowly my bond with people in this new environment is growing stronger. A new routine is building up. Things have started to settle down. 5 min conversations with my roommate are getting replaced with 20 min conversations. It does seem like a smoother transition than I had imagined.

The thought of change was more though than actually experiencing it. All the scenarios that I played in my mind, very little of it turned out to be true. It has given me an opportunity to face diverse situations, be around diverse people, all of which are already contributing to self-development. I had always imagined myself living in my hometown, taking up a job, and living there itself because I loved all the people and activities that I did over there. But I am now much more open to doing otherwise because it doesn’t take much time to discover new sources of joy as you navigate a new environment.

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