Blurry vision

School days are blurry to me or maybe I try to keep them blurry, it reminds of the times when I was surrounded with a totally different audience as I like to call them. I had this big boulder of insecurity and was a big time people’s pleaser. I remember this one time when during our school assembly we were called upon the stage randomly to give a speech. Because I have curly hair, they would be a mess. While I was on stage one of the students on the stage gave my hair’s example “if someone gets a shock they would get this kind of hair”. At that moment I froze. I just stood there with the whole school laughing at me. I went back home and told my parents. I am never going back to school. My attendance that year was just 72 working days. I hated being there. My parents were supportive enough to understand that side of Jalgoan and how much it was affecting me and all of us decided to move to Pune for further studies. I started studying with the hope that I will be out of Jalgaon.

This cycle of insecurity and being a people’s pleaser changed when I moved to Pune. I grew closer to a set of people who made me grow out of the bubble of insurity. but the people pleasers stayed with me. It struck then, when in the process of making everyone around me happy, I realized I was hurting them and more than that I was hurting myself too.

I remember this one incident – I was going for a haircut and with my mom and the hair dresser all of them pressuring me to chop off my hair to a mushroom cut, I didn’t like it even a bit, this incident totally broke my bubble of people pleaser as I understood I needed to say No. I finally dropped my NO bomb to my parents for a complete career change.

Trust me, that was one of toughest conversations with them. At that time my dad was in Jalgaon, mom and I were in Pune. I wanted to drop the idea of doing medicine or engg, I wanted to go ahead with law. I still remember that night there was so much shouting, crying and what not. How I got so sure about law is one funny story. Someone who believes in signs from the universe came to me like that, I went to symbiosis to get information about my sister’s admission and I ended up signing up for it too and I remember I fought with my parents for the whole night and when they agreed, the exam was just in 23 days. I started preparing for the exam, joined a tutorial with zero buffer days, my parents thought I wont be able to do it in 23 days, and guess what, I came third in that entrance exam and scored highest in my tutorial.

Once the results were announced my mother checked the result 5 times, it was so funny and I started getting calls from tutorials. It was equally shocking for them and because it was such a short period they wanted to put a face to the person who scored well, even though they didn’t know who I was, and as soon as I entered I remember they said, it’s the curly hair girl. It struck me then why do I consider my hair such a big insecurity, it’s a part of me and I wanted to take care of it because I mean that is one thing common everyone remembers of me. I started working on it and began with being comfortable with them.

While I was overcoming these feelings, college started and it all came back like a storm and I found it very hard to fit in, I tried so hard but then this random day I was speaking to Varada (my best friend) both of us had just started with college while it was easier for me as my college was in Pune but she was in Ahemdabad. Both of us are trying to settle in a new space. She said why do you have to fit in, just get it a chance, maybe let it flow on its own ? I gave myself another chance, and with these feelings I became that first year law student to a law graduate,

From constantly putting on earphones in the first year of college to avoid talking and now making an effort to haveconversation with them. From being insecure about how I look and now being comfortable in my skin. Fromtrying to fit in and now creating my own space, vibe (maybe). From getting scared to ask for help and now asking for help whenever I get stuck.

I think all these things show me growth within me, and it tells me that it’s that tingly feeling to see myself come this far, and see everything fall in place.