Just let it go

In the previous months I had some issues with socialising. I felt really shy and awkward to open up to people or even walk up to them to make a conversation. When I realised how important it was to connect with people, I started opening up, I started getting along with people. In fact I connected so well with this one group of people that I started putting an effort to stay in touch with them and 1-2 of these I would talk to on a daily basis. 

There was one person I really liked and felt connected to, we had a few things in common, I felt like I could open up to this person really quickly, I felt safe with this person. He was one of the few people I could never run out of topics to talk to, we’d chat on a daily basis. In that period we also confessed that we liked each other and didn’t want to do anything about it but I was a little hurt about it, because maybe I wanted something more, and yet we’d talk normally and try to stay in touch. But after a while everything changed, he started seeing me differently and I felt the distance. I tried talking to him about it a couple times and he left me hanging. So I decided to let go as it hurt me a lot and was affecting me emotionally and was affecting everything around me, because I perceived this person as someone who’d sit down and talk it out like an adult. It’s been hurting me a lot to be in this process of letting go. A lot of times I feel if I shouldn’t and I still try to talk to this person and try to sort it out, but it always leads me to this conclusion that I don’t think I want the high school- teenage immature people anymore, I want to be with someone who will communicate and comprehend like an adult. But letting go just hurts so much.

When I was sad and hurt is the time I realise who are the true ones. The ones who were there for me, who heard me out. I realised I want to nurture these friendships and these relationships. Some of these people would constantly check up on me and I think that is what made me so happy. I always think about what would I do if I was in the same situation and I didn’t have anyone- no closure, no one by my side and these thoughts really scare me. 

I have had a similar situation before with my best friend and my girlfriends. Of course we were in high school and we’d fight over silly stuff but always make up but this time I had a fight with my bestie and we did sort it out but we suddenly had this distance between us for a while and that affected me so much emotionally, I tried to keep everything inside me, but this one time my emotions bottled up and she wasn’t ready to talk about it, she denied that this is all in my head. But my other girlfriends were constantly by my side and the helped me get through this, they helped us sort this out and all. But most importantly they stuck by me, they checked up on me and I think these are the relations that I want. These are the people I want to hold on to. I want to focus on some relationships, you could say there are some plants that need watering and some are just better left by themselves.

Sometimes I just play this one clip from the series ‘The bold type’- which is based on people who work at a magazine ‘Scarlet’ that talks about women and sex, and this clip is from one of the events at the magazine, where the boss “Jacquline’ gives a speech- she says a lot of things but one thing she says that is stuck with me is- ‘I expect you to have adventures, I expect you to fall in love, to get your hearts broken, I expect you to have sex with the wrong people, to have sex with the right people, to make mistakes, to make amends, to take a leap and make a splash and I expect you to Unleash holy hell on anybody who tries to hold you back’ I always feels so inspired when I watch this, when I hear those words, I fell like it just make everything okay. Like it’s okay to make mistakes, to be with the wrong ones, to get my heart broken. https://youtu.be/QyeXBsPly4g 

Sometimes all we need is for someone to be there by our sides, to tell us its going to be okay. Someone to assure us that we are good the way we are. It’s important to realise what relationships, what friendships, which people we want to invest our time and effort in. Socialising and connecting to a level is okay, but sometimes it’s important to let go of these few people who pull us down, who are stopping us from being ourselves. Its some things they say or do which makes us feel less of ourselves and that affects us emotionally. So its important to let go of these people, I know letting go hurts so much but nurturing the wrong relationships and investing your time is only going to make it more difficult for you. I always feel that if I don’t let go of the wrong ones, how am I going to make space for the right ones.