Main apni favorite hoon!

Hey, you are so thin”, “woah, that’s a sudden weight gain”, “aren’t you a Punjabi?, and aren’t they like super fair”, “Why don’t you put this paste on your face it will reduce your blemishes”,

“Um no offense but your nose looks like a pakoda”. 

I think you as a reader might have received some of these lines, well me too. The funny part is I received these sentences from my close ones, maybe they were looking out for me, but I was young and they were hurtful. I would think that what are these beauty standards. If everyone looked like everyone what sense will it make?

The icing on the cake was being called the DUFF- designated ugly funny friend. Apparently, half of the guy friends I had would speak to me because my other friends were better looking than me. Even though I wanted to stand up for myself and thought of taking it to the authorities, I couldn’t. I thought it will make me look like a big loser. I stopped going to school. I had to go back someday. I again asked my father “Dad, am I really so ugly ?”. He immediately hugged me but replied with a confused face “Tanvvi you are the best person”.

That response gave me the power to confront my friends about being called DUFF at school. My feelings came out very loud, and to my surprise, my friends stopped talking to me and I again thought, What did I do wrong in standing up for myself?” I tried to find better friends, but there was no hope. I even convinced my parents for shifting schools, but there was no better school than I was already in Jalgaon. That was the day in 9th Grade I decided I am going to study hard and get good marks and shift to Pune for a better environment I needed to get out of a place where people would just be straight mean to me for things I am in no control of. 

I learned two very important lessons in Jalgaon,

  1. Never let anyone have power over you.
  2. Become the stronger version of me.

My parents would cheer me up by saying – “Tanvvi the outer beauty is not it, you are so great by heart that is a beauty in itself”.

To my parents I was the most beautiful girl, they still sing an old song “Mere Ghar Aayi Ek Nanhi Pari”-  we are blessed with a beautiful small girl. But these lines were not going through to me as the others people’s comments came out stronger to me. 

When I moved to Pune I met so many people who had zero complexes on how they looked, my father would push me to attend self-development classes. I would still feel hesitant, my friends pushed me too to become a better version of myself. But the most important thing was “loving myself” still wasn’t happening. I don’t remember who but someone had told me “If you don’t love yourself, you will never be able to get rid of this shallow feeling”. I made this line as my brain tattoo.

Slowly and steadily I started loving myself, be it by applying lipstick or be it understanding which colors suit me. I started getting compliments from strangers, it was empowering. 

I was enjoying this journey of self-exploration, but covid hit, and like everyone I was binge-watching the show “ Love is Blind- where the individuals would be in pods and talk to each other, but couldn’t see each other. Even though they could not see each other, there were concrete conversations, getting to know each other on a deeper level. They would discuss a few things which were non-negotiable for them like,  I am a very spacey person. I need it from time to time. I want something like keeping all my wires organized. Even these little things were discussed on that show.Then I understood yes I am expecting myself in the way I look, but I am still ready to comprise on few things because to me I thought “it’s okay”. But I questioned again why should that be okay with me. Those things are also important aspects of me. I understood I had to accept myself not only with my physical appearance but also accept my wants as a individual.

Sometimes I feel the timeline of these incidents is like a road map, where ever I would fall or get stuck, there would be an anchor to pull me out. This time, I was educating myself about curly hair and there is such a big community of curly heads. My whole community of “Moody but curly” was reached out by dove shampoo and conditioner. They wanted to do a campaign for curly hair people, I was blown by that opportunity. I mean 120 people including girls and boys shared our story of having curly hair. This campaign was just a starting point, then I was reached out by a community “natural is beautiful”, they hosted a campaign where we celebrated each skin tone, every size, and every face texture. It was so raw and pure. 

I always say I am on a roller coaster which is only going high up but this time it went too high that I got diagnosed with PCOD, and started getting fat, from 45kgs I was 67kgs. It was major and suddenly people started calling me fat. My uncle said I am giving competition to sumo fighters with my weight gain. It was again reminded of that being called the DUFF. But  then one day I was getting ready for a party and my pants tore, I realized how fat I had become and I was just laying on my bathroom floor, my concerned brother picked me up and called my mother, and I still don’t remember what I spoke to my mom. 

My anchor came again to pull me out, the brain tattoo came splashing in front of me, I got dressed and went to the party.I am still learning and will be learning about myself, but I have understood yes I go to that overthinking phase and bad phase

. But my willpower never went down and I want to make it stronger and will never stop feeling powerful emotionally and physically. And like I said earlier I will always have anchors helping me. I end this piece by just saying “Main apni favorite hoon!”. 

Enquire Now Schedule A Call