My Concept with Father Time

It’s funny how time works differently for everyone in this world. We are given a preconceived notion as to what our life should look like even before we start with college. Some follow it and some choose their own path. I can say that I was one of those guys who believed in a structured timeline. To follow what is considered as “safe” and everything would work out just fine. Little did I know that That would be the toughest thing for me to do.

My relationship with time has always been very complex. For the longest time, I had thought that time was never on my side because whatever plans I made for my future never coincided with my time. I had this constant battle with time where I wanted to do things in a structured manner but for some reason, they just wouldn’t work out.

I remember when I was in school and after 10th boards, we had to decide which stream we wanted to go in, this was crucial because this would decide our futures and what we wanted to become, hearing that doctors and engineers are the career options that were coming in the limelight but not having enough courage to take science I went with computers. I had always thought that computers were something I could do because I wanted that to be true and whenever I went for any options with computers it never worked out for me because I was pushing myself for something to be true, which just wasn’t.

Last year I had made plans to study abroad and I was pretty certain that I would, I had gotten into a University and I was on the verge of looking for accommodations. I had just started with my fellowship at Enterprise and I remember an incident where Adi, my mentor, knew about my plans. However, he was also certain that I could do something much more meaningful. I was having a general conversation with Adi and Yusuf, my other mentor, and there were talks about me working on a project and my scope with it which I was getting excited for. It was a playful conversation and I heard “..but you wanted to go abroad right?” and they both started laughing. I was nervously laughing too but I knew that maybe I could have something better in store.

Long story short, I didn’t go because I understood my responsibility towards my parents and the pressure that I might put them in.

There have been times where I have not respected my own physical and mental health, I would take on work thinking that I would be the Jack of all trades but that’s not true it takes a toll on many other things and at this point, I just want to be respectful of my time and space and my ability to do things not according to what the world thinks but according to what I am able to do.

In some ways, I sense that throughout my quarter-life on this planet I thought making friends was a very intricate task, in school I used to think that friendship came with conditions and unless you don’t fulfill them your role in any relationship wasn’t justified. This concept that I had created in my head became a gateway for anxious and negative thoughts to come in. More than people I started judging myself and stopped believing in my ability to do things. In school, I never thought I was a bright student and whatever I did came with certain kinds of judgment. I realized much later that these thoughts were creating incompetence in me, until that point I think I had become immune to any sort of judgment, in the sense that “ignorance is bliss” became my new motto for both growth and failure.

Ever since I had joined Enterprise it was really difficult for me to still shake off this ignorance aspect and to dive in deep to work on myself. I had taken a lot of time to work on something and actually see it finish to completion. I have done many projects however I can’t say with confidence how many I was able to complete, however, I remember, I had this one project where I was creating content for a Jewellery store. It was really interesting and intriguing but I still feared whether I’ll be able to finish this project or not. I kept at it and whenever I thought I was falling behind I had to remind myself that I need to finish this project so that I can prove myself wrong. Prove myself that my convection was much stronger than my false judgment so that I never have to blame myself or pity myself for anything.

I was able to finish that project in time with appropriate and heartwarming feedback. It was a meaningful experience because it changed the way I looked at myself and thus how I perceived the world. I always thought that changing one’s perception was a difficult thing to do however I can say that that day my perception had changed. I became more acknowledging and understanding. This was in august and since then I kept that feeling as a testimonial for my ability.

 

Now that I think of it, remember that guy in school who used to judge himself a lot? He did well in sports and athletics. He has represented his school in athletics for high jump and received a medal for coming 3rd in school. I never would have acknowledged the better sides of things if I had kept on concentrating on failures, that’s how I’ve been creating myself.

This is what I needed to understand about my concept with time as well, even though it never went according to how I wanted it to go but let’s be honest, who does?
I kept time as something I could blame when things didn’t go “right”. I can think of a million other examples to back this up, how I had a falling out with some of my oldest friends, how I had to take responsibility to help out my parents, how university never worked for me, and so on. A very basic theme of this was that I had programmed myself to only look at things in a certain way and any other way would cripple my plans, unbeknownst to me that maybe there are other ways to look at things as well…and maybe I think I did.

A very dear project that I have had the opportunity to be a part of was called the Green Room, a welcoming environment for like-minded people to come and share their stories. I have been a part of such powerful conversations with Entrepreneurs of different fields and Not once have I not been able to relate with them. They were one of the live examples that I could see who has come from either something and, many times, nothing and built something completely different. These Entrepreneurs showed a compelling desire to follow their passion without thinking about anything else, and that’s what made their stories a lot richer and amazing. Having hardships is one thing but making them your strengths is much more powerful. Somewhere I think it aligned with my intention, I always looked at things in the parameters of my own thoughts and I could never have expanded those until I got out of it. I always wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself which was my intention when I first started with Green Room last year in February.

I didn’t just fulfill my intention but also was able to look at my frenemy-time a lot differently. Time may be doing its things but I needed to understand that for things to be better time is a necessity, and consistency for growth. Whenever, in my quarter-life, I haven’t been patient, I have been exposed to such experiences where I needed to be patient or rather had to learn to be patient. I realized that going abroad for studies at that time wasn’t right for me bec

 

ause I was never ready. I had a few falling out with people because our mindsets never aligned. I had to take responsibility because I needed to learn how to prioritize. University never worked for me because I wasn’t doing what I wanted to learn but what I thought I needed to learn.

I was trying to live a preconceived fantasy according to a specific timeline, but time taught me to adapt through all of the uncertainties that I had encountered. All this while I was thinking of ways to go against time not realizing that if I did, Time itself would go against me. “All good things take time”, and it was my time to be patient, to be invested, to acknowledge, and to be acceptable to the changes and challenges that arise. Therefore I surrendered to this pointless battle with time.

2 Comments
  • Mrunmayee Padmagirwar
    Posted at 12:12h, 02 January Reply

    Well said Swaran ! All good things take time!

  • Aditya Jhunjhunwala
    Posted at 03:32h, 05 January Reply

    Dear Swaran, love the way you have ended…. Surrendered to the pointless battle with time. It is so true. We are all in a mad rush to get somewhere and be something. We are constantly feeling inadequate with our current state of being. You have been strong and silent and courageously transforming yourself. Love this piece. Wishing you lots of positivity and openness of heart as your progress in your journey!

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