Reprogram Myself

Throughout my childhood, there’s been one thread that has weaved all my life choices. That thread is of fear of being left alone, unwanted, and unneeded. This fear has pushed my limits to incredible levels. I got out of my comfort zone and did things that I would have never even imagined. But I did those things just for the sake of not being in a position where I’ll be completely unwanted and alone.

Like, in my childhood I never had kids my age around me as I live in a building where all the residents are my family members and I am the youngest in the whole building. I felt very lonely and I hated being lonely. I used to always make some trouble in my house. I used to go out without telling anyone. I used to do all that crazy stuff so that I can be acknowledged.

Today I realize that my source, of mischief and creativity, was also this fear, that if I don’t do this and don’t even get seen, even as a naughty little kid then I’ll be forgotten by the elders around me.

In 9th grade when I was introduced to the world of Physics and started liking the subject. I found out that I can be the first person in my family to take science and excel at it. I’ll be unique, I’ll be known to do something great. Although I was curious and wanted to study more about the world of physics, it got boring as soon as it get too technical. I was shy to express my boredom because if I did it then I’ll not be recognized by anyone, I’ll be a failure. Hence I pushed myself to extremes and passed out of high school and college with a Science degree.

I realize now, that taking science has taught me more about the will to survive than understanding more about Science itself.

These memories and emotions are coming to the surface because today I want to say thank you and let go of this fear inside me. I have acknowledged it, and accepted it and I am grateful that it pushed me and made me who I am. But from my journey now on I would like to move without the fear of being alone. I want to learn to take actions based on my own decisions and be accountable to myself, rather than relying upon someone’s approval or validation.

For the last 7 years, I have been studying and practicing brewing coffee. Because I enjoy it. Two months back I started a side hustle of cold brew. Also, I have hosted 2 coffee experience workshops. 

I realize this today that ‘brewing coffee’ is one decision that I took by myself. It is pretty time-consuming and tiring sometimes. But I just enjoy making good coffee for people and now I am even making some money out of it.  

Today I am working at Enterprise India Fellowship, a company that offers me the opportunity to take complete ownership. I can lead projects and take decisions based on my own judgment. Freedom is a beautiful thing but it takes time and effort to handle it. In spite of having full ownership, I haven’t been able to give 100% in many situations. Now I realised, that this is because of my existing programming. Which was only based on others’ approval. 

We all desire freedom and ownership. We want it but do not own the responsibilities which come with it. I always imagined but I never thought that in reality, I’ll learn to take decisions freely and on my own.

Today I am reprogramming myself. I want to give not just 100% but give 10x to whatever I choose to do and I want to grab opportunities and juice them out completely. I have big dreams that today I know I can make real because I am working every single day on reprogramming myself.