Saying sorry finally melted all the wax

Last month, something happened which hasn’t happened in the previous 20 years. It’s been 2 months that my dadi has been bedridden and someone has to stay awake at night to take care of her, or sometimes all of us have to. Imagine having a lack of sleep and the anger you feel when someone wakes you up suddenly from sleep. The environment around the house was becoming negative, and one night there was an outburst of anger that was piled. My mom and dad started yelling at each other. I was sitting beside my mom, and she started crying and was about to share how she was feeling, but just after one sentence, she said I yelled at her and said to my parents, this is the reason I don’t want to stay here and don’t bring me into this. Within a minute, when I came to my senses, I started feeling guilty. Why did I yell at her? She was about to share her feelings with me, and I treated her like that. I wanted to know what she was going through, but that moment passed, and she was crying while still taking care of dadi. What can I do now? What? After thinking this for 5 mins, the guy who used to run from every situation built up all his courage and hugged his maa and papa and said ‘sorry’ that came from the bottom of his heart, wanted to say more but ruk gaya….

All my parents’ attention came to that ‘sorry,’ and they were like, “tu kyu sorry bol raha hai.” You have not done anything wrong just because we didn’t sleep; we are irritated. That sorry worked like a perfume, and it transformed the clumsiest moment of yelling into a gracious moment. This moment of saying sorry and my parents still supporting me made me accept the situation and work towards it. The wax melted all the way that was created by my surroundings.

Because as a kid, I was very pampered because I had to face no situations that came my way. If I ask for something, I will get it if it is within my parents’ reach. I have never heard them say no to me, or if they say I used to get angry and get what I wanted. We can call it ego, but I was too stupid to understand that. The only condition was to keep getting good marks, and then there was no need for answering someone and making decisions. Whenever Relatives used to come home, they used to tell my parents he doesn’t speak much, and my parents’ answer was always that he is sincere. The truth was I was too naive. I didn’t have anything to ask from them, and I cared less for everyone. I was not an introvert; I didn’t know how to talk to them. I was a blank slate who didn’t know about the world. 

But it didn’t last long as I used to think all the things were sorted as I had to get good grades and pursue Engineering. As I grew up, things began changing, our business was not doing great, and I started hearing ‘no’ often. There came a time when I faced my first failure, which was 2 supplementary in my 11th grade, and everyone around me was like how he could fail who has been topper till 10th grade. People who were by my side were disappointed in me. Now I was in a situation to decide, from the guy who has no emotions, from whom never been asked for opinions, who was so defensive that he avoided things either by getting angry at parents or staying silent…

Because of that one failure, a wave of uneasiness came. I got shattered, left going out, left doing any fun thing and got a home tutor to now focus solely on 12th disconnecting from the outer world. I passed with 75%, but I was scared of failures now. Now I have to decide what I have to do, and I have to choose. I didn’t know I could ask for help or where to start. Either I have to accept the situation or do as my parents told me: Engineering. But I had all these questions; what if it didn’t work out? What if I fail again? Then it will be an END.

It was the first time I used my phone to find some solution under fear of being a failure rather than merely for pleasure. I started taking steps and using my fear as a compass to get out of my comfort zone and to grow. My burning desire is to change myself and work on my personality.

We all have heard a saying we either run from a situation or face it. What I did until last year was to stand: not run or face but stay without reacting, and in one situation, I realized I had to start taking action the day I yelled at my parents and said sorry to them, which I have never done. Still, you see, my parents were like, you don’t have to be sad, they supported me.  Now, I feel like I am at a stage of understanding things. I started choosing my pain which is making me feel like now I am taking over my situation. Creating habits like waking up at 3:00 am without an alarm for 2 reasons: first, to work towards my health and keep my energy high for the work I am doing and necessary things. Another is to take care of my dadi, and my parents can take some rest in the meantime. 

Even while figuring out how to do my job, I was getting frustrated trying to give my best. It was more of an I am not suitable for the job, but I started executing slowly. I began to see some growth. I have started to make things happen without thinking much and getting feedback. I started accepting the situation and trusting in the process. Things started making sense for me. My clouds of self-doubt are going away somewhere. I, most of the time, relied on others. I was confident while doing work in a team, and when it came to working on something on my own, it gave me a glimpse of failing. Still, now I am starting to realize that it was not fear of failure, but it was a fear of disappointing my loved ones. My parents, mentors, friends believe in me, and that is what I don’t want to break, and this is helping me to change and keep on going..

It’s not that I am entirely in action mode, or I don’t overthink.  It’s more like I am conscious of this transition that is happening. To keep this  happening altogether, I know I have to keep taking action every day, either for personal or professional growth, to keep doing things that I like doing and executing a long-due project that I always want to complete. 

I don’t know if it might be because of my laziness and excuses that I didn’t complete it last year. But now, I am fully fledged involved in this project as I am going to add every element that I have learned in this previous year as it will break a lot of mental barriers for me. I am excited about what comes after doing and seeing the outcome.

Everything happens for a reason. You have to keep your intentions right. The situation that occurred for 10 mins that night opened a door for me that was blocked. The melted wax is now mine to be shaped. It made me accept the situation, and helping me to enjoy the things that I am doing. This year I hope to face as many situations and take action, either getting feeling of uneasiness or happiness. How will it be for you??

“Until you accept the reality of your current situation, you can’t take a step forward”

– Douglas Poole