Finding my footing

This year has been one of new experiences, tough conversations, new friendships, core memories, and a general sense of positivity. For the past two months, I’ve been making some significant changes in my life. However, I felt the need to lean into what it means to truly be where I am. I was hoping to take a few steps back and refocus my energy on the present.

 Panning back to my college days, emotionally I’ve been through some waves of phases. It started with the first few years of college where my ambitions were through the roof. There was a world of possibilities ahead of me and I constantly felt that I needed to achieve them all. While having such ambitions was great, however when things wouldn’t work out my entire self-esteem would shatter. I would suddenly feel that I’m capable of nothing. The pressure would make me feel worthless. After graduation when COVID had paralyzed the world, it also paralyzed my goals. I couldn’t envision anything for the future or even the present. I was okay with whatever I was doing, neither happy nor sad.

When I started working was when it felt like a new beginning. I was excited to learn new things, gain knowledge and experience the practical world with more realistic projects. Along with this experience, I was also enveloped with the pressure to perform to my level of expectation. Some mornings I would wake up feeling like I’m already running late before the day had even begun.

When I looked at these phases I realised just how much I had let my work consume me. Everything I felt and how I behaved was somehow linked to what I was doing in terms of work. Despite taking time off once in a while for vacations/ trips, my mind was always preoccupied with my work.

The month of May was when I officially started taking on projects as a freelancer – switching from a part-time job to a full-time freelancer. It was a conscious decision and I was ready to move up the ladder in my career. I was very daunted by this however I found myself feeling more relaxed and comfortable about where I was in life. Suddenly I found myself with a lot more time on my hands. Instead of immediately jumping onto onboarding clients and building my brand I chose to hit the pause button. I wanted to dedicate my energies to just absorbing where I was and appreciating how far I’d come.

I have been prioritizing my emotional and physical health. Creating a healthy routine for myself which involved waking up early, eating healthy, and journaling. I also made the time to start reading some books and think about what hobbies I wanted to cultivate for myself beyond work. 

This whole exercise of changing my priorities made me feel more connected to my family since I was spending more quality time with my energies focused on the moment. I built a deeper bond where I could have tough and vulnerable conversations with them and also face my emotions/ feelings/ thoughts rather than pushing them under the carpet. 

I’m choosing to spend enough time with myself while also making an effort to socialize and finding the balance in both that works for me. I’m choosing to hit the pause button and take a breath. I would always feel like I’m on the clock and had to achieve some major goals or I was not successful in what I was doing. But I’ve been feeling comfortable in the space that I’m in and the stage of life that I’m at. At the beginning of this year, I remember writing about how I felt the need to look after my emotional health and give it the due importance it needed. I feel like now I can say that I feel emotionally in a secure space where I have explored the tools that work for me.

So often we place pressure on ourselves to be a few steps ahead of us. This leaves us feeling dissatisfied with our reality. Take a moment and appreciate where you are right now in this moment. There is nowhere else to be and everything is as it should be.

 “What do you  truly want from life”

 “Where do you see yourself in the future”

Questions like these had always left me feeling clouded and confused. Now, even though I still don’t have a clear picture of what it will be like I’m very sure about who I am and what my capabilities are, making me less fearful of that question. I’ve been feeling more confident about who I am as a person, in control of my life and future. I’ve begun to become comfortable with uncomfortable situations and take them on rather than pushing them away. After all this self-reflection, I now feel ready to work actively toward my future goals and look at things from a fresher perspective.