Finding “Space” in Life

I am a “relationships” guy. They hold a lot of importance in my life. Having deep connections with people is always something that I have cherished. In pursuit of this, I have had my heart broken so many times, it’s almost tough to remember. 

The movies made relationships look so cool. The guy meets the girl, they spend the whole movie trying together, and once they finally come together, the movie ends! The real stuff happened later, which I never got to see. I only understood that “Love and Relationships” were a very big part of life. I had to give them so much priority and time. That’s what they show in movies right?

Also, I honestly had never thought that maintaining relationships was going to be this hard. All relationships did not have a “happy ending”. I was somewhat ignorant about this too. My naivete in this regard has left several scars and memories that are yet to heal.

If I compare my life to a Jar, here’s what it would have looked like:

So what happens when you make relationships such a big part of life, and you are not exactly sure about how to handle them? Shit hits the fan. That’s what happens. The more I tried to avoid this reality, the harder it hit me in the face. Recently, I had one such defining experience.

A few months back, I went through a terrible breakup. She was my girlfriend of four years. Four years is a very long time in a relationship for a person of my age. Quite rare. And the connection we shared was in fact, really rare too. Our relationship had simple beginnings; it had started from a teenage romance. But over time it had blossomed into a beautiful and fulfilling relationship. I had my flaws and my insecurities, but she was accepting of them. She gave me the love and support that no one else had. I discovered a new part of me that I had never discovered before. She made me a better man. It also came with a feeling of warmth and comfort that was completely new for me. I deeply loved and cherished her.

I was going forward with my belief of “happily being together forever”. Everything felt literally perfect for me. This did not allow me to see things as they were. As you can imagine, everything went sideways. That too very very suddenly. 

Apparently this relationship no longer served her, and she no longer wanted to be with me. The reasons she gave were not convincing either. On top of this, she did not want to stay in touch with me after we broke up. It was extremely painful for me.

The warmth, love, comfort and support had been stripped away from my life, and I was left feeling extremely vulnerable and alone. I had built my life around her, and now that she was gone, there was a whole lot of nothingness left. Just empty space. 

Everything felt hollow. Life was “lifeless”. I had never experienced something of this magnitude before. My immediate reaction to this was to fill this empty space with someone else. I relied heavily on another person for support, and to take the place of my previous relationship. As you can imagine, that did not work out either. The other person too made me realize that this is not okay, and that I needed to spend time with myself. And this message was not sugar coated at all.

It was finally time for me to face the music. I was done avoiding things. I detached from the world and started spending time with myself. It was extremely difficult at first. I was not at all used to this. I felt extremely lonely and vulnerable. But there was light at the end of the tunnel.

Slowly the light started to become visible. Remember the “empty space” I had mentioned? Well I realised that it had actually been a blessing in disguise. I realised that now I have a lot more headspace to focus on myself; my work, my hobbies, my studies and being with other people in my life. The relationship had consumed so much of my life, all the other stuff had somehow been left behind. 

Now I had a chance to redesign my life. It was time to organize the Jar of My Life a bit differently.

What did I do with this Space?

This new space brought in creativity and new opportunities to explore other aspects of my life. I now had much more time and energy to work on myself. It allowed me to take a deep dive within, and slowly make small yet important changes. I was able to channelise my time and energy effectively. I saw a great boost in my work, and I explored new things that I had ignored before. I was also able to revive several valuable friendships that had been left behind. This space has allowed me to enjoy my company a lot more now, and my happiness is not dependent on anyone else.

This does not mean that I hate relationships now or I would not be in one anytime soon. I am sure I would be. Relationships are not the villain. They still are an important part of our life. This blog was about me realizing that they are actually just a “part” of life.

Someone said to me a few days back, “In the Khichadi of life, relationships are the tadka; not the rice!”

Love,

Ninad.