Being one with my journey

Me:- Maa, I love you…

Maa:- Kya hua bete?

Me:- Why can’t you reply? I love you too…

Up until now, I never doubted the fact that people loved me, but these past few months, I am not able to believe their intentions towards me; this one statement, “I am not capable of being loved,” has taken over me completely. I even doubt my parents for that matter. Someone whose world revolves around her family is not able to trust that her parents care about her little things and think they have sidelined her because I have always said yes to everything. I am not saying I never fought with them, but those fights were silly, which I feel everyone has had with their parents once in their lifetime. This feeling scares me so much that I cannot trust them. It’s so fragile that if my mother does not reply to my love you message, I will get angry at her. This doesn’t end with my family but also with my closet of my friends too. Varada and I have a perfect Bollywood cliche friendship story, and it’s perfect, but lately, the same cycle of feelings are repeated there also; because of this feeling, I am blocking myself to see how even she is trying to make up for the time we have lost. I have started pointing out things to my family and Varada, which I have done for them, and I’m not too fond of it nor do they, but to me, it looks valid as if I am trying to paint a  picture of my feeling with constant reassurance.

I need reassurance for the love I get because I feel the love I am getting is forced towards me; it’s not coming from within. 

Currently, we are renovating our house, and it’s been a task. My father has been travelling back and forth to Pune for that. I manage my work and go out with him for the renovation work. Even my architect didn’t visit places with my dad, but I was there with him from going to plywood guy till, timber market, I did it all, but still, my dad says “beta aap responsible nahi hue ho.” Though he says it and leaves, it’s stuck to me so much that I now don’t mention anything to him until and unless he asks me. I would never do this, and I would fill him in on everything from start to end of the day. 

The value people hold for me in life is very important, and it seems to me as I am losing those values around my people. I feel like a sponge which is being sucked out of emotions and doubting myself. But I am grateful for having such supportive people around me. They are trying so hard to understand my love language and struggle with this feeling. Just a few days back, I took this quiz on what is my love language. I don’t know how true that quiz is but while doing it, even to have that option of my opinion of love gave me peace that yes, I am not going overboard this bubble of love which I have created for me. Varada always tells me, “Tanvvi, you are not wrong when you expect things but are they worth it?” After six years of being in denial, I have understood the power of that sentence. How do I try to get rid of this feeling? That’s when it struck me that I am not communicating things that I should be. I am still trying to communicate and make sure I don’t cross that line of being rude or expressing myself about how I am feeling.