20 Jun Guilt – Good or Bad?
Ever studied for an exam at the end moment?
Of course, we procrastinate until the last moment. But why do we even bother studying at the end moment?
Guilt. That is what drives me to finally start studying.
Every time before an exam, in my mind, I plan out my action plan.
I’ll start studying 3 days before the exam.
On day 1:
“Why should I stress myself? I have 2 more days.”
I spend day 1 watching TV series.
On day 2:
I finally open the textbook. I go through the syllabus.
“It’s not a lot. It is doable in a day.”
On day 3:
“I really should start studying if I aim to pass.”
“Hmm, maybe I can start in an hour.”
12 hours before the paper:
“Oh shit! I haven’t done anything yet. I have wasted all my time.”
I start panicking that I don’t know anything. And most of all, I feel guilty. I feel bad about myself.
Guilt made me study.
Guilt is that voice in my head that constantly brings me down. It is double-edged. It brings me down. But it keeps me going.
Recently, my mom was feeling a little under the weather. She was so weak. The look on her face broke my heart. At the moment, I felt bad. For some reason, it made me feel that I am not spending enough time with her. I am not a good daughter. I felt ashamed of myself.
For 2 days, I was overthinking. I felt so guilty. Every time I looked at her, there was a heavy feeling in my chest. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t concentrate on my work. I couldn’t do anything. I was consumed with guilt. It was such a devastating emotion. There was a voice in my head constantly reminding me – ‘You should be ashamed of yourself. After everything your parents have done for you, you can’t even spend some time with them?’
I had reached the peak. I couldn’t let this voice affect me anymore. I immediately went to Amazon & bought a bunch of art & craft material. I ordered paints & air dry clay. For the next 3 days, I spent some quality time with my mom. We painted together. We made some jewellery dishes from the clay. Instantly, she was happy. I was happy. That heaviness in my chest was gone.
Guilt made me spend some quality time with my mom.
For a few months, I have been working on a project called #karo 4.0 where we were hosting a scavenger hunt for families online. We were doing it every Sunday. So that means we had 6 days every week to do sales. Every day, I planned to make a few sales calls. And every day I failed to do that. Every day I felt guilty for not making at least 5 calls. Two days before Sunday, I reach my guilt peak. And that is when I finally pick up my phone and make some calls.
Guilt made me do sales.
Guilt is not a pleasant feeling. Even though the end result is pleasant, it is a temporary motivator. Guilt comes in bursts of energy. It consumes me for a few days. It overcomes my mind until it reaches its peak. After that comes the turning point – which makes me do things. It makes me want to make an effort.
Even though it is a temporary motivator, it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. It is not worth it. It affects me mentally and physically.
I know I can’t control my guilt. It is a natural emotion just like sadness & happiness. It comes and goes. But I can manage it. I can choose how I let it affect me.
I won’t let it devastate me. Can’t I just take the good that comes out of guilt?