Change

I feel like I haven’t allowed myself to explore a lot of things since I’ve believed that consistency is key to getting good at something so I never focused on anything else other than the things I like doing such as playing keyboards, playing guitar, practising vocals, and writing. But ever since I have been a part of Enterprise I have had exposure to do more than the things that I do or made myself do.

I had this notion to not approach someone unless they approach me first. But then I was thrown into a situation which I could not get out of so I had to interact with people and connect and make a sale. (Selling Nimbu Paani) I wanted to take a chance even though I’m a person who won’t take a risk because I would rather play it safe but I still chose to do this as it gave me a rushing feeling.

When I approached people I was scared, but when I did it felt embarrassing at first but then it got weirdly normal after a couple of times. I got more customers when I let go of the embarrassment and being conscious about myself.  Interacting with random strangers and trying to sell nimbu paani brought this sense of newness to me and I was able to do those things so that gave me a little boost and confidence that I can do other things as well. Even though I do not like expressing it, I do not know why I gradually started losing interest in the things I liked doing. It is not like I did not enjoy doing them, I did. But there was no inner motivation for me to do those things like I used to before. And I felt guilty about it, I felt really bad for not doing the things that I had been doing for a really long time. It felt like it was all in vain.  I was not okay with leaving things behind and the parts of myself that I had put into something. 

But ever since that, I have found so many other things that I like doing, in which I have an interest in building. I have started drumming, learning how to sketch and photography. I’m not very skilled or good at those things but I enjoy doing them and I want to develop them. This was my first time feeling this way, letting go of the feeling that it will go to waste, experiencing new things was relieving. I have always felt the need to complete something even if it is just a simple movie or a TV show. If I start it I have to see through it no matter the quality or quantity. It’s just I feel the need to complete or see something through but those things hardly affect me now. 

Other than that I feel a lot has changed in the past few months since my best friend left for Canada. I think even that thing helped me get out of my comfort zone because ever since I was a kid we have done every single thing together so not being able to do that was not a nice feeling. My best friend has never been fixated on some things like I have. He always allowed himself to try new things and see whatever comes his way and now I feel like I should be allowed that too. Why restrain yourself?