Finding My Way

Ever since I was in grade 9, I wanted to work with kids and was fascinated by how sports can have such a profound impact on us. I was a football player in school and was surprised by how it helped me become more confident. It was clear that I wanted to work in this sector.
As soon as I passed my grade 10th, I started an internship in an e-commerce company named Bohriali. I loved the environment and work culture there and soon thought of joining the same company as a full time employee. Alongside Bohriali, I also explored other organisations such as Enabling Leadership where I was an assistant football coach for a year and Empower Foundation where I was a girl leader and published a Participatory Research Study with 24 other girls.
It has been 4 years now that I’m working in Bohriali, I love the time that I spend here and have grown insanely. I have also got the most kind, savage and cool boss in the form of a mentor.

This year in February, I got an opportunity to Volunteer in Enabling Leadership, Enabling Leadership is an organisation that enables children to become leaders – through music, football and Lego.The event was filled with learning and catching up with old mates. Some volunteers got a chance to spend 3 days in Mumbai for the National event called ELEVATE 2023 fortunately I was one of those. There were more than 700 children from 9 different regions in India.

I was fascinated to see how effortlessly I was getting out of the bed at 5 in morning without any alarm. To give you some context, I am the type of girl who has 10 alarms set and would still hit the snooze button when the last one rang.

One incident that I vividly remember is facilitating a spirit circle after a football match. A spirit circle is where both the teams that played sit together and talk about what went well in the match and what can be improved. The kids express their gratitude and apologise to anyone that they have  hurt during the match, intentionally or otherwise.
The girls that were in the circle didn’t understand English or Hindi properly and I didn’t know Kannada but still I was able to communicate with them.I used my hands and smile for doing a pat on the back sign to let them know that I’m proud of them. Their coach jumped in to translate soon but I was amazed by how well we were able to blend as if I have known them for all my life. 

It has been more than a month since I came back from the event. I wake up each day feeling like something is missing. Have you ever felt lost in your life? Like you are wandering aimlessly through a maze with no sense of direction and purpose. You question everything you know, you start to doubt yourself, your abilities and your worth. With every step you take you feel more confused and uncertain. It is a challenging and isolating experience and this is exactly what I am feeling right now.

I feel like I have left a piece of me there on the ground. It reminds me of a song and the lyrics are like.. Mera dil kahi dur pahado mein kho gaya. Uss se mile hue mujhko toh arsa ho gaya, are koi to jao usko bulao na maane toh ussko daant bhi lagaao.
The only difference is that my heart is lost on the ground instead of a mountain.

Most of the time I find that I’m continuously questioning myself. I ask what is the purpose of my life? What is that I truly want? Am I happy?
It is really hard to admit but I am not happy. I try to distract myself with work and hobbies but it’s like quicksand the more I try to free myself the more it tries to pull me down. It is a heavy weight that sits on my chest, making it hard to breathe. But I know that acknowledging my unhappiness is the first step of getting out of it.

After sharing all of these feelings with a mentor at Enterprise, They asked me What is it that is stopping  you, Aliya? The truth is that I feel like I’m betraying someone by moving on. I know that I am blessed with people that will encourage me to follow my passion but it still feels like I’m doing something wrong and breaking someone’s trust.

In the past few days I have realised that these thoughts are a never ending cycle. Just like a loop and I have decided to end the loop by taking small action steps.
1. Made a mind-map to understand my thought process better.
2. Made a decision Matrix to prioritise my next important steps.
3. Talk to people that really matter to me like my family and mentors. 
4. Find more opportunities that align with my passion. 

I know these things take time and I will figure it out eventually. I may not have all the answers right now, but I am taking steps towards finding my way and discovering where my heart truly belongs.