Little Things

Have you ever been to a circus and seen a joker juggle multiple objects at the same time? 

Well that is me.

Growing up, I didn’t have the best self esteem and constantly felt like I needed to change myself to fit in, be/look a certain way to be liked. And that’s why I felt like I didn’t truly understand what being “happy” was. I would look for it in everything – parties, friends, academic achievements, extra curricular activities, vacations. Trying to juggle multiple things and situations at the same time hoping to be able to accumulate all the memories and joy. But what I didn’t realize was that I didn’t have to. 

During covid, when situations demanded us to stay at home was when I think I truly connected with my family and started loving the simple things. Being able to cook new recipes with my mum, playing board games with my parents, just sitting and talking started feeling joyful. I don’t know if it was the fact that we were being plagued by a life threatening disease or just self realization – I started valuing life and it’s simple pleasures much more. These simple pleasures are the most unassuming experiences we commonly take for granted. It’s something that is always in plain sight but only when you really observe and take it to the forefront can you completely enjoy its benefits. 

Recently my sister and I threw my mum a surprise birthday lunch and spent a few days of quality time with each other. Just being able to sit and relax with my family, gossip all night about everything under the sun and eat home cooked food made me feel a kind of blissful joy. Looking back I can recall certain family vacations which made me feel the same kind of joy but then it didn’t seem as important as it feels today. Valuing the people that value me and showing them that they matter in my life brought on this sense of unparalleled happiness. The simple and familiar hold the secrets of the complex and unknown.

Even in my friend circle I’ve come to realize that I don’t need to have the biggest group or the biggest party to feel loved. I just need those few friends who mean the world to me and who will be there through whatever situation I’m going through. Enjoying simple conversations, hearty laughs, silly jokes and countless memories with the ones that matter is more important to me now.

Last month I attended a concert after almost 3 years and felt this strange sense of anxiety of the unknown. However I found solace in the fact that even though I was going to attend it with just 1 friend, that one friend was my best friend. Someone with whom I didn’t need to pretend or be someone else contrary to my school years when I needed to be a part of a large group to feel like I’m having fun.

When you extract the hassle of fitting in everywhere, the joy of just being in the moment dawns upon. Feeling like I’m a part of something always seemed important to me until these little things became more distinguished. This feeling of not being worth it/valued had creeped into my workspace as well and whatever I did felt mediocre. Now, small words of appreciation and seeing my ideas turn into tangible designs gives me so much joy. It makes me feel like I have an impact on the world. 

Over a period of time I have learned to be almost unconsciously grateful–as a child is–for a sunny day, blue water, flowers in a vase, a tree turning red. Moreover, zooming into my life with a microscope and finding those smaller pieces has given me a new perspective. I know now that I don’t have to juggle everything together. Instead I can take one object at a time, truly savor it using all my senses and just be in the moment.