Pushing boundaries and living authentically

I would like to call myself an ambivert of sorts. Someone who feels equally fulfilled whether I’m out in a crowd or at home alone binge-watching a series. Growing up, I felt like I’d always had to put extra effort into socializing and fitting in with the crowd. A very recent thought made me realize I didn’t need to. But a flip side to this thought was that I started becoming extremely homebound. Covid didn’t help either because it made me even more comfortable in my space, so building new connections, and nurturing new relationships started to scare me. 

Last month, I attended a 3-day community meet-up (called jamboree). The whole experience was about getting acquainted with everyone, participating in reflective activities, being vulnerable with a large group of people, sharing your insecurities and joys, and ultimately forming a bond of friendship.

I vaguely remember the gazillion thoughts going through my mind on the first day. They were mainly the fear of messing up, anxiety about how things would pan out and if I would be able to connect to anyone, excitement to be a part of a new experience, and nervousness about hosting some activities.  

On the first day, as a part of the experience we were pushed to step out of our comfort zone. One activity, in particular, involved us approaching a stranger and having a conversation. On any other day, I would have never even thought about doing something like that. But I found myself being open to it without hesitations or overthinking about what the other person might feel I went for it. The feeling of going through something that felt so scary was gratifying and immediately spiked my confidence. 

At the end of those three days, I felt extremely grateful. There was a sense of comfort developed with everyone and the space. The people I met added a new layer to my life that I didn’t know I needed. Much to my surprise, I didn’t feel like I had to put in some extra effort to be able to talk to people. All I did was be myself in the most vulnerable and authentic way I could.

If I had to trace back to a time when I felt similar emotions and pushed the boundaries of my comfort, it would be when I moved to Ahmedabad to pursue my undergraduate degree course. Having grown up in a protective family with a fairly strict set of parents, this was a big change for me.

I was suddenly all alone in a new city, dealing with everyday problems, making decisions for myself, working on my academics, and taking care of my health while trying to keep up my social life. All of it was very overwhelming in the beginning and there were some pretty rough times I faced. 

The previous month has been one to remember. Emotionally I’ve had many ups and downs. There was a general fear about my future and the uncertainty that it held a rather unsettling conversation with a friend that left me feeling very upset, a constant feeling that I was missing out on things and not putting enough effort into my work.

However, some core memories were made. Focusing on the positives of the month, I wanted to set the tone for the rest of the year. Taking a step back and appreciating myself for how far I’ve come. The whole jamboree experience was something for the books. I took a trip with my childhood school friends, bonded with everyone on a deeper level, and was able to get a lot of family downtime.

I wanted to leave an optimistic note that I can come back to every time I feel like I’m not good enough or I’m not where I’m supposed to be.

Stepping out of my comfort zone by far has only benefitted me, and I want to continuously keep pushing this until I reach a point where I don’t hesitate to leap into the abyss of the unknown. I want to be spontaneous, take on challenges, and make a difference. I am proud of myself for how far I’ve come and will consciously turn down the volume of the negativity in my life and turn up the volume of positivity.

I used to keep telling myself that socializing and connecting with new people was not my cup of tea. But I realized that I needed to be more open to that thought, go with the flow, and avoid overthinking situations.