What You’re Missing When You’re Not Listening

Do you ever zone out when you’re talking to someone? Someone you care about?

I had always known that my speaking skills are weak, but to realize that I am a bad listener too, was something else. Or who knows, maybe they are related?

Recently, I went out with my friend. He had to get the car, so he gave me his wallet and asked me to pay.

Friend: “Don’t pay with cash. Use the card.” 

Me: “Okay.”

After a few minutes…

Friend: “Don’t forget to use the card.”

Me: “Yes, I heard you.”

And guess what? I ended up paying with cash. I didn’t realize that until I got into the car and he pointed it out. I instantly felt guilty. I should’ve been more alert. I couldn’t understand what happened. I remembered him telling me that multiple times. But I was so lost in my train of thoughts that I completely forgot what he said 2 minutes ago. 

I assumed that he was talking about something unimportant and as if I was in auto-mode, I said ‘I heard you’ without actually listening to him.

That got me thinking about the moments when I haven’t been a good listener to my friends and family. That is when I realized that most of the misunderstandings occur when we don’t listen. We make assumptions without asking questions. I was listening when he was speaking but it just didn’t register in my head.

Then what went wrong? Wasn’t listening enough? 

When I was in the process of co-designing a session on ‘How to be a better communicator?’ with my friends, we came across a concept called ‘Active Listening’.  I realized this is something I really need to work on. 

Active Listening is not just listening. To be an active listener, I have to understand what the person is saying and feel what they are feeling. It is to put myself in the person’s shoes and understand their perspective. When we are listening actively, we need to put our judgments and thoughts aside to try to understand the speaker fully. It is listening and looking for the emotion behind it.

It is easier said than done. It is very difficult to practice active listening when we have so many distractions in our life. Sometimes we are stressed and have our personal concerns; we keep thinking about them even when someone is talking to us. Instead of telling them that we’re not in the right state of mind to listen, all we do is ‘Hmm’, ‘Acha’, ‘Thike’. 

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This usually happens to me when the topic of discussion is uninteresting to me. When my parents start lecturing me, I zone out instantly and just nod my head to show that I am listening. But this one time, my dad was sharing his concerns about something and all I could think of was my exam the next day. I hadn’t opened my book and I was freaking out internally. 

I have noticed that I don’t like listening when the speaker is talking about something I disagree with because I have my preconceived ideas and opinion about what is being said. When I am in such a conversation, I feel that communicating my opinions or thoughts will fall on deaf ears.

I face this whenever I talk to my Nani about superstitions. She never has a logical reason for these superstitions. She will argue with me for hours but won’t listen to what I am saying. That’s why I take the easy way out. I just nod and pretend that I am listening.

But is this right? Why do we pretend to listen instead of just telling them? Is it to show that we care or to be polite?

If we really care about the person who is speaking, we will genuinely listen and put our point across tactfully. Rather than finding faults in others, we need to put aside our biases and actually listen. This shows that we care about them and what they say matters to us.

When we are not listening, we are missing out on so much information. It is really important to overcome these listening barriers and have the awareness of our lacking listening skills. 

When I was researching about ‘Active Listening’, I came across a powerful tool to be a better listener ‘RASA’. It is an acronym for Receive, Appreciate, Summarise, and Ask. 

A few days ago, my friends and I had decided to meet up for an early morning walk. Sadly, only one person showed up. I was feeling very awkward because I didn’t know him well and was worried if I would be able to maintain a conversation with him. But surprisingly, it went well. I learned so much about him. I sincerely listened to everything he said and I was able to ask more questions and hold an authentic conversation. I practiced ‘RASA’ and after this conversation, I felt 10 times closer to him.

Personally, I feel listening actively is very important to me to form a deeper connection with my loved ones. 

To truly experience the essence of a meaningful conversation, one must practice RASA.