Realisations that shaped me

December 8, 2025

I don’t know exactly when things shifted, but somewhere between my late-night overthinking sessions and my early-morning “I’m totally fine” performances, life quietly changed. No dramatic slow-motion, no rain falling on cue, just a soft, sneaky transition into a new chapter. The kind that you only notice once you’re already in the middle of it.

These days, my mind feels like a Google Maps route that keeps rerouting even though I’m literally going straight. One moment I’m confident about my choices: leaving my sport, changing my routine, picking this course, this college, this city and the next moment I’m questioning everything, right down to whether the tone of my “hmm” sounded rude. At this point I’ve analysed myself more than critics analysed Jab We Met.

And then life threw in something heavier, losing someone close. It wasn’t loud sadness, it was quiet, the kind that settles in your chest and just… stays. I’d be laughing, talking, doing normal things, and still feel it sitting there like a background app that refuses to close no matter how many times you swipe it away.

But somewhere in the middle of the mess, a realisation started forming the soft, sensible kind. I’m someone who feels deeply, questions deeply, and grows deeply. Even when my mind is a whole circus, some part of me is still trying to figure things out and become better.

And then came another realisation not sudden, not dramatic, just one that gently made sense. I’ve been playing TT for 7–8 years, and if you asked me today whether I want to continue, I’d probably say no. But now, when I think about it, walking away from TT wasn’t just quitting a sport — it added to all these feelings. For so long, TT wasn’t just something I did; it shaped my routine, my discipline, my identity. Leaving it created a gap, all those matches built a version of me who doesn’t give up easily. That athlete still shows up especially when life throws curveballs. Though honestly, sometimes I wish life would throw an underarm serve for once.

When I faced the loss, the way I shifted from “normal” to “carrying emotional load” felt just like walking off the court after losing a match I was supposed to win. That same strange mix of helplessness, confusion, and “okay, now what?”

Next ? Came the classic overthinking arc replaying decisions, analysing every step, wondering if I should’ve done things differently. But the funny part? None of this is new. I’ve felt this before in those exact moments during TT when every loss made me question my entire life, career, and sometimes even why the table is blue.

These moments have changed me, yes but not in a sad way. They made me softer, smarter, more aware. They taught me that confusion isn’t failure; it’s just growth wearing its pajamas.

I’m still healing, still figuring things out, still standing somewhere in the middle. Right now, I’m in a place where I don’t really know what the next step will look like. I know I have to move on eventually, but at this moment, I’m exhausted and I don’t feel ready to take that step yet. And that’s okay. Soon, when I’ve taken my own time, I will move again. Maybe it’ll be a big step, maybe a small one. But for now, I’m choosing to stay where I am, breathe, and let myself be. 

Because some journeys don’t end they just change shape. And honestly, I’m not searching for answers, I’m just waiting to see where life’s Google Maps finally stops rerouting me.

Arnee Parmar

Delivering results and the occasional dry jokes

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