The Fig Tree Dream

November 12, 2025

The Fig Tree Dream

I’m stressed. Like genuinely stressed. I don’t know who I am anymore or what I associate myself with. What are my interests? What am I even doing?

Younger me used to proudly say a list of things I liked – gymnastics, skating, athletics, dancing, singing, etc. Then I used to say graphology, psychology, yoga, swimming, running, drawing & finance. I still like these things and am good till a certain level but now when I say them I feel like I am talking about a person who does not necessarily exist or at least not the way I want her to.

I’m reading Sylvia Plath’s fig tree poem. It feels too real, the fear of choosing one path and losing the rest. I close my eyes, exhausted from questioning everything, and drift off to sleep.

I suddenly woke up. But not really. I’m in that weird in-between space where you know you’re dreaming but it feels real.

And there she is.

A 14-year-old me. Short haircut, just back from school after a gymnastics stayback, completely relaxed, eating a raspberry dolly ice cream like she doesn’t have a care in the world.

She looks up at me. “Hi! Do you want a bite?”

I blink. “Uh, I can’t. I’m lactose intolerant.”

“Shocker,” she says, not even fazed. “Too bad for you.” And she just continues eating that ice cream like I didn’t just reveal my tragic inability to enjoy dairy.

After a moment, she tilts her head. “You seem like you have a lot on your mind.”

“Yeah,” I admit. “I’m just wondering… who am I? Like, who are you?”

She brightens up immediately. “Oh! I like gymnastics, skating, athletics, dancing, singing—”

“Yeah, and then you probably liked graphology, psychology, finance, all of that after,” I interrupt, finishing her thought.

“Exactly!” She grins. “So what’s the problem?”

I pause. “I don’t know what I currently like. What am I now?”

Her face drops. “Wait, what do you mean? That’s scary. I wanted you to be doing competitions, teaching… what are you doing? Who are you?”

“Okay, wait, take a pause,” I say quickly. “I still am those things, but not in that intensity. It’s not that they’re gone, I’m just not the same amounts of them anymore.”

She looks confused, so I try to explain.

Let me tell you what  Ankita  helped me understand. This is a 2 step method.

Step 1: helped structure the factors I associate myself with in the form of 3 buckets.

Bucket 1 – Non negotiables lets say. This bucket is things I have to do, like college, taking yoga classes or my apprenticeship.

Bucket 2 – with the time I have left after the first bucket, things I do for my physical and mental health or my other interests like drawing, yoga or calisthenics.

Bucket 3 – these are desires like reading books, starting a sport, learning about psychology, writing, graphology, etc.

These buckets help to see where energy goes, what needs it most, and how I can shift things around, maybe move one to make space for another. It became a way to stay aware and flexible.”

Younger me nods slowly. “Do you get what I mean now?”

“Okay, yeah,” she says, relieved. “Thanks, I was gonna freak out for no reason.”

“Yeah,” I laugh. Then I remember something. “Oh, by the way, you know those Instagram posts that said ‘your parents were right, the phone was the problem’ and you used to say to yourself, well, that won’t ever happen to me? Well, that did happen to you.”

Her eyes widen. “What? What made you do that?”

“That’s actually a good segue for the second step of Ankita’s way  – habits and the factors.”

Step 2: (good/bad) Habits & factors

“See, this is what I understand today about myself and this is what is happening today. I am not making any decisions but I’m simply acknowledging it.”

“Okay, that makes sense,” the younger me says. “Ankita sounds like a smart person.”

“Yeah, she is one.”

“But you know,” I add, while I was reflecting on these bad habits, I found myself hell-bent on changing them. But then a  friend  asked me, “What’s your intention behind it? Why do you want to change them?’

That question made me pause. I realized I didn’t actually know why. It sounds simple, but it was such an important reminder to first understand my reasons for wanting to change. Before trying to ‘fix’ anything, I needed to acknowledge what these habits were, what caused them, and why they existed instead of simply labeling them as bad and trying to eliminate them. Just like no emotion is inherently bad, these habits too deserved to be acknowledged, not shunned.

After I did, I felt a sense of relief and control.

“Okay…” younger me says, processing.

“But another question arises,” I continue. “Okay habits I can deal with now but what about certain thought patterns? Like self-doubt in my potential stops me from executing things, overthinking loop, leads to procrastination. Comparison. Sprints of routine (I am in routine then I am not and then I am, like reaching point B from A but never point C).”

Younger me’s face lights up with recognition. “Okay, yeah, that’s actually true, because I myself have so much self-doubt right now and I keep on comparing myself to people in like an unrealistic amount.” She looks at me seriously. “Well, do you think that will ever go away? Because I don’t see it happening.”

“Yes, actually, it would,” I say with certainty. “And that’s something Adi Sir also asked me, Adi sir is like a mentor of mine too.”

“I’ve actually heard of the name before,” she says.

“Yeah, you may have.”

But Adi sir basically asked me, ‘Have you gotten better at dealing with it than before?’

For example, if comparison used to affect you at a 7 out of 10, how much does it affect you now? As long as you keep getting better at handling it, you’re on the right track.’

It’s like when you first start learning the guitar, your fingers ache and the skin even peels but over time, calluses form. The pain lessens, and your fingers grow stronger.

So he said, ‘you’re on the right track, it should happen again and again until it stops affecting you.’

I suddenly wake up. Like actually wake up.

Oh my God, I’m getting late. I need to write my blog. I have a 12 AM submission. Otherwise, I’m done for because I keep on submitting these blogs late and Nikita will really not leave me this time if I don’t submit it on time.

But then I feel it, a certain amount of satisfaction, warmth spreading through me. Like I just had the most comforting sleep ever. Like I was hugging my younger self.

I sit up, a bit dazed, and start writing;

Hearing Adi sir say that reduced my fear of feeling a certain way again or the judgement I had when those patterns came up which made it easier to deal with.

What I’ve realized is that some lessons we already know like how no emotion is entirely good or bad, or how we slowly get better at handling things can still feel new when we hear them at the right time. This reflection was one of those reminders.

For a long time, I feared I’d never reach my potential. But over time, I’ve come to see that I have the intention, the people, and the resources to get there. That fear has softened, though new ones keep showing up like whether I execute enough or if my work truly adds value. My confidence still wavers, but I’ve started to see that as part of growing rather than failing.

Right now, I’m someone who enjoys yoga, calisthenics, teaching kids, and learning through my apprenticeship. I want to read more, expand my classes, and keep building from here. I’m also at a stage where I can pick and drop things, explore, and see where it leads.

Maybe that’s what growth really looks like, not figuring everything out at once, but learning to live with the shifting branches of your own fig tree.

The End

Nidhi Sancheti

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Aditya Jhunjhunwala

1 month ago

I relate with this sooo much, Nidhi 🙂

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