The Pending Decision

December 8, 2025

Now and then, we all make decisions.
Some are small like what to wear, what to eat, which route to take, or whether to answer a message now or later.
Some decisions hardly take a second thought.

And then… there are the bigger ones.
The ones that force us to pause, rethink, feel, and question ourselves.
The ones that don’t just pass through the mind they settle deep in the heart.

This collarbone operation is one of those decisions.
A decision that doesn’t happen around me,
but something that will happen to me.
On my body.
To my bones.
To my future.

It’s a decision that has been sitting with me for a long time quiet, heavy, and always present.

Every day, I feel like I’m standing between two roads. One road says, “Be brave. Do the operation. Move forward.” And the other whispers, “Wait… you’re scared, and that’s real too.”

Some days, I try to convince myself that I’m strong enough… that the pain will pass… that it’s the right thing to do.

But then there are moments when even thinking about the operation makes my chest tighten, because I don’t know if I’m ready for that kind of fear.

And it hurts in a different way when people casually say,

“Just do it, it’ll be fine.”

I know they mean well.

But they don’t carry the same fears I carry.

They don’t wake up imagining hospital lights, the cold room, or that loss of control that scares me the most. People can advise, support, and stand beside me… but they’re not the ones who will feel the pain, or lie on that hospital bed, or go through the recovery.

Because ultimately, it’s my body, my pain, and my future.

This decision has made me feel alone sometimes, even when I’m surrounded by people. Because at the end of the day, it’s my shoulder, my journey, and my courage that has to show up.

But in all this confusion, something unexpected has happened. I’ve started discovering parts of myself I didn’t notice before. 

I’ve seen how deeply I think.

How much I value my body.

How honestly I allow myself to feel things.

And how it’s okay to be scared and still move forward slowly, gently.

Right now, the decision is still pending.

And I’m learning to accept that.

Sometimes the bravest thing isn’t choosing quickly…but giving yourself time to understand your own heart.

One day, I know the answer will come to me not out of pressure, not out of fear, but out of a quiet clarity that feels right in my bones.

Until then, I’m holding myself gently. Letting the fear exist, but not letting it control me.

Breathing through the uncertainty,trusting that when my heart is ready, I will make the right choice. And maybe that’s the most powerful part not the decision itself, but the way this whole journey is teaching me to trust myself even when I feel lost.

Zainab Khandwawala

Writing the chapters of my journey that only courage can finish.

0 0 votes

Article Rating

Subscribe

Login

Notify of

new follow-up comments new replies to my comments

Label

{} [+]

Name*

Email*

Website

Label

{} [+]

Name*

Email*

Website

0 Comments

Oldest

Newest Most Voted

Inline Feedbacks

View all comments

More from the blog

View more

In the Middle of My Own Storm

Here’s a question for you: Do you know the Joker who juggles 3 balls in his hands? Have…

Maps of Memory

Do you ever feel like we change the things that make us happy? It’s not something we do…

An Independent Life

Growing up in Nagpur was more than just living in a city. It was living inside a comfort…