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A journey within 

I found something within myself while I was fasting for Navratri 5 years ago. I was fasting for my dad’s fast recovery, and that was my faith and value. 

I grew up in a house where everyone is very religious, from childhood I am going to Vaishno Devi, celebrate Ganesh Chaturthi, Celebrating Navrati with havan, fasting and whatnot, so it was difficult to be that kid who didn’t believe in God, Even though I had that phase where I was like I don’t believe in it, it was my anger because a few things at school didn’t go my way, with time I understood how those small things had overshadowed the big things. While growing up I would get irritated a lot, and during the same time my grandmom decided to give up the luxuries of life and take up saint life, I was not ready for it and thought god is taking her away from me. Then Nani told me that god has chosen her from so many people, I was too young to understand that, but she introduced me to different gods’ literature Bhagwat Geeta, Datatray Kavch, and more, I would not understand anything, but would just read it because she asked me too.

I remember I would go to the temple and ask the panditji, which school does Ganesh Ji go to? What is Shivaji’s surname? I was curious to know because people would ask me these questions when I would go out, so I did the same. We would go to Vaishno Devi. It was a long 14 km up the mountain, and we would dance and enjoy the trek. It was a fun vacation to me, but apparently, I was supposed to make a wish list to ask from god. One of the days in a summer camp, I remember being dressed as lord Krishna. It was so awkward that only a girl dressed as a male character in gods. That wasn’t all for Janmashatmi then again dressed me as Krishna and asked me to break the Dahi Handi, I was happier to break the Handi than being dressed as Krishna. 

What made me believe in god? 

It was a simple commercial on TV of  Cycle Agarbathi, where the kid asks her mother how do you know god is there? and mother would answer, if god wasn’t there then “who would fill water in coconut ?”, “who protects our soldiers and their families when they are at the border ?”, and a few more answers, but those two sentences stuck with me, as a kid it was curiosity. Then I started putting it all together, and my parents helped me. I asked myself who gave me the power to go through all that teasing when I dressed as Krishna?, who gave me the strength to break the handi? My parents thanked god for everything that happened in their life god or bad and asked me to do the same, I would straight up say No to them. 

Fast forward to college, I was in a different place and it was hard to fit in. I would cry and be upset. It had just been one month of college, and my dad met with an accident he was in ICU for 15 days straight. I was so angry and upset. That was the second time in my life when I spoke so rudely to Nani and asked her, why don’t you ask your god why he is making my dad suffer so much,  she said: “Tanvvi lets thank god as this would have ended in much different way than it is now ”. She again asked me to believe in god and more than that to believe in myself. She asked me to read the same holy books, but I didn’t believe in them honestly. I felt helpless, it was like my world was breaking, I was breaking.  

As I Kid, I would always ask mom why you fast, and she would say for your better health. At that point that felt right, I was ready to do anything for dad to be okay, and I would fast every Monday. I fasted for Navrati for all those nine days for the first time. It was difficult to fast while leaving in a hostel, with that I would visit Dagdu Seth Ganpati once every month without fail, and during those trips, I would even cry in the temple, but even while I would cry I felt safe, I felt someone was hearing me, it was a different kind of feeling. If you ask me about it, it’s the same feeling I get when my Maa or Nani let me lay in their lap.

In a generation where god is a very debated topic, I have grown towards him/her I don’t know. I went back home for the holidays and as a family, we listened to Krishna’s mantras, and it felt pleasant, most importantly gave answers to so my questions, one of them being the things I am  doing will they be fruitful. The answer was simple Karm Karo, phal ki chinta mat Karo.

With time I started educating myself with more values and learnings, got to learn more from her, and I indeed learned more. It’s said every time you read Bhagwat Geeta you learn something new, so I can proudly say I have learned 8 important lessons from it. 

  1. Learn to take life as it comes. Learn to get over it.
  2. Karm Karo, phal ki chinta mat karo.
  3. The only thing constant in life is “Change”.
  4. The body is temporary & Soul is permanent.
  5. We came alone, we will go alone. 
  6. Angry.
  7. Greed.
  8.  Doubting mind achieves nothing.

I still read more on these but I am happy with what I know and How my journey was, I just didn’t settle for it blindly, and I am proud of it. I relatively spend more time with Nani now, go and stay with her at the ashram for days, and spend time in the temple, sitting silently, I still cry sometimes but guruji says “Sometimes crying is a way of showing faith”. I attend different festivals they celebrate there it’s cheerful. This is my story with faith and my next goal is to take my Nani to Vrindavan and enjoy that moment. 

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