How Can I Find Clarity in the Chaos of Ambition?

I keep asking myself this question: Am I living the life I truly want? Or am I just following a path that others have set for me? Sometimes, it feels like I’m not free to make my own choices. It’s like something deep inside holds me back, and I can’t break free. This feeling has been with me for as long as I can remember, showing up at key moments in my life to make me stop and think.

But here’s the tricky part: I want to do it all. I want to chase my dreams and also meet my responsibilities. It feels like I’m stuck, pulled in two directions. On one side, there’s the life I’m expected to live. On the other, there’s the life I dream of. And in this constant pull, I often feel trapped by my own big ambitions. I want to achieve more, push myself harder, and be better than what I was yesterday. But chasing these goals often throws me into chaos.

Chaos is hard to handle. In those messy moments, I start asking myself: Am I living the life I want? Am I surrounded by people who matter? Is pushing myself every day really the best way forward, or is it just wearing me out? These thoughts weigh on me, especially when I struggle to stay consistent.

I remember my internship clearly. It was a crazy time. I had so much going on—doing outreach for an event, studying for exams, and the internship itself. Things got so bad at one point I didn’t have the same energy as i used to. I was tired and couldn’t give my 100% to the things i had made commitments to, That made me doubt myself. Did I make the right choice by taking my own path?

Another thought that kept coming up was about obsession. Should I focus so much on one dream that I let everything else go? People say obsession leads to success, but is that the kind of life I want? I’ve always been drawn to extremes, but I’m not sure if it’s worth giving up balance and happiness for ambition.

A few months ago, I organized an event. I worked really hard, but I still felt like I wasn’t doing enough. I started teaching for the past six months. I wanted to do well in everything, but I couldn’t. My head teacher was disappointed because I couldn’t give my best in teaching. I wasn’t as consistent as I usually am, and it left me disappointed in myself. It wasn’t just about how good my work was; it was about keeping my promises and not letting distractions get in the way. That feeling of falling short stayed with me.

These questions challenge me to reflect and to stay honest with myself. My relationship with these questions is complex. But I have started to see them as signposts, guiding me when I feel lost.

But even in the middle of all this chaos, there’s a vision that keeps me going. I see a version of myself standing far away, at the end of a long road. He’s the person I want to become—focused, successful, and great. He’s waiting for me at the other end, and I’m trying to catch up to him.

Sometimes, I can almost feel that version of me. Each step is closer to the person I am meant to be. Shit goes down, and things don’t fit. I lose a couple of battles, but then I realize the chaos makes sense. It’s not perfect, and it never will be, but that’s okay. Every misstep and every struggle helps me figure out what truly matters.

– Angad Singh Dhiman