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Of Introversion and Balance

[dropcaps type=’square’ font_size=’80’ color=’#4a4a4a’ background_color=’#ffffff’ border_color=”]H[/dropcaps] ave you ever wanted the Earth to open into an abyss that would swallow you whole if you had to tolerate another minute of small talk? I know that sounds dramatic, but that’s exactly how I feel sometimes.

On the introvert-extrovert spectrum, I lean strongly to the left. Like lefter than a socialist in a room full of conservatists. It’s not that I don’t enjoy interacting with people; I just prefer to be by myself.

I like having my own space – both in the physical and metaphorical sense. I like knowing that there’s a corner in my apartment where I can just be by myself. I need some time alone to unwind after a long day, and I can’t recharge by spending time with friends or family.

It’s taken a few years for me to realize what works for me, and what doesn’t – through trial and error, intense Google searches (just WHY does everything start annoying me after 11pm when I’m out socializing?), and conversations with other introverts.

Today, I feel like a different person. And you can say that part of that change has come from figuring out how to balance my need for companionship with my preference for spending time by myself, but a lot of it has come from simply accepting the fact that I’m an introvert.

About six years ago, when I was still in school, I remember feeling ashamed about my inability to make friends easily. I didn’t like talking to new people or trying out new things. I wanted to stick to what was familiar because the mere idea of change terrified me. I did not like the idea of leaving my comfort zone to experiment, and I was fine being what I’d always been – a shy, quiet, and observant person, who preferred books to everything else.

It’s now that I realize that I actually love all of those things. I strive to make at least two new connections a week, and I’m actively saving money for a solo trip next summer. I can’t wait to leave what I know and throw myself headfirst into what I don’t.

I wish I had a cool explanation (a fairy godmother coming to my rescue is the coolest one I can think of right now) behind this transition, but I just have a realistic one.

I started going to college after tenth grade, and I was forced to adapt to a new environment, and make new friends, if I wanted to fit in. I found it very difficult to keep up with all of the parties, dinners, and plans – but I didn’t want to be known as someone who didn’t know how to have fun, so I attended all of them.

Three months later, I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t pretend that I was having fun, or that I didn’t care if we went to an afterparty. I did, I cared very much.

I realized that I had to do something, and I had to act fast, if I didn’t want to lose the friends I had made. I decided to go with the easiest trick in the book, and tell them that my parents had grounded me, and I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere, except college, for the next month.

Over the next few weeks, I started feeling more like myself. I spent time doing what I liked, and I also realized that something had changed – I genuinely enjoyed spending time with my new friends, something that I had been too exhausted to see before.

[blockquote text=”I realized, that for me, balance was the key. I had been too oblivious to see it before, but I finally understood that socializing, much like everything else, is all about optimization. There is a big difference between attending a party for the sake of it, and having fun interacting with people; and eventually, people would notice that I was doing the former.” text_color=”” width=”” line_height=”undefined” background_color=”” border_color=”” show_quote_icon=”yes” quote_icon_color=”#4285F4″]

So, I decided to optimize my social life – by taking back the power to choose how often I wanted to go out, and with whom. I gave myself an upper limit of three interactions a week and made sure to carve out some time to read, listen to music, or go on a walk.

Within a few months, I started to notice differences – I was a better person, a better friend, and just easier to be around. I wasn’t as moody as I used to be, and I wasn’t prone to sporadic, and seemingly inexplicable outbursts anymore.

To put it simply, taking that break worked. As a result of becoming choosier about who I spent my time with, I was also able to cultivate deeper relationships, and be more mentally and emotionally present with my friends. I was no longer spreading myself thin between groups in the name of friendship; changing how I looked at my social life had given me the confidence to pick my friends and be secure in my friendships.

Just last month, I went on a short vacation to Udaipur with three friends from college. What would’ve been a difficult time for me a few years ago, turned out to be one of the best experiences I’ve had this year. I anticipated that I would run out of social battery at some point and gave myself the chance to spend some time alone before and after the trip. Even when we were in Udaipur, I often chose to walk, or just spend an extra five minutes in the bathroom just to spend some time by myself. I can’t say that I wasn’t exhausted after the trip, but I definitely handled it very well. I asked for space when I needed it, and I also spent a lot of time with my friends.

I now have the security to express my needs in my close relationships and draw boundaries when needed. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but my social life has never been better. My friendships are thriving, and I’m able to have the energy to meet and interact with new people whenever I want to.

I’m glad that things have improved so much, but I can’t help but wonder how sustainable these coping mechanisms are. I have the foresight to understand I won’t always have the luxury of taking some time off to recuperate, and that makes me nervous. There are definitely other ways I can recharge, but I find that I bounce back fastest when I can spend a considerable amount of time by myself.

I have a healthy amount of curiosity about how different life will be when I won’t always have the option to take that step back, but I’m confident that I will identify newer ways to feel more like myself.

The fact that I’ve come so far is a testament to my ability to make myself feel more comfortable in my shoes, and for now, I’m happy to celebrate that progress. I used to be an introvert who thought she didn’t like meeting new people and exploring new things. Now I’m an introvert who loves meeting new people, and exploring new things, but knows how to give herself a break too.

And that’s made all the difference in the world.

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