Regain

अगर डरते नहीं हो, तो डर के क्यों खेलते हो?”
“If you’re not scared, then why are you playing like you’re scared?”

Picture this,
I’m on the football field, the players are in their positions and running behind the ball with full energy. But me? I was on a different tangent. I could hear my heartbeat, and my negative thoughts creeping in slowly, like hands growing to cover my eyes. These thoughts made me lose focus from the game and the ball. I was questioning, Why am I playing football? Is this really something I should go through with? Should I have done something I was already good at, like athletics, instead?

Andddd, BAM –
I let the ball literally go by my side, and I just stood there, my feet stuck to the ground. I could hear my sir saying, “Be involved in the game, ask for the ball. If you don’t ask, how are you going to get it?”
But I could not get myself to.

Yes, I am messing it up so far.
Then I thought, wait, it’s just 2 months into playing this sport. Why am I overthinking this and being so critical?
My coach then said, “Forget how you played in the first half, and just give it your all in the second.”

I listened.
I let go, thought, Okay, it’s me, the ball, and all I need to do is stop it from going into our goal. Without realizing it, I was having fun, and I was doing well.

Eventually, the class came to an end, and our team won the match. Haha. Then my coach casually said, “अगर डरते नहीं हो, तो डर के क्यों खेलते हो?”

I smiled at him, like I always do, and agreed with him.
But it was more than that – it stayed with me.
I reflected on it.

Because in that same week, I had done an important presentation with KOEL (Kirloskar Oils and Engines Limited). To give some context, this was an intense 2.5-month project where we were living and breathing KOEL.

We had done the work, conducted 73 interviews, regurgitated heaps of information, and turned it into one deliverable. We were confident with our efforts and work.

All that was left now was to present this effectively – first to the Sales VP and HR Head, and later to Gauri Kirloskar, the Managing Director of KOEL. It was sort of a big deal. Usually, I would not have been shaken up, but this time, for our final presentation, I was anxious. I could feel my neck heating up, frantically going through what I had to say on my phone, chugging water from the table, taking slow deep breaths, and trying to calm myself down. Wondering, Why am I scared? I am prepared?

The presentation happened, I did my part, but I was not satisfied.

And so, while reflecting, this question came to me again: “अगर डरते नहीं हो, तो डर के क्यों खेलते हो?”

I decided to have a conversation with Adi sir, the co-founder of Let’s Enterprise, who now reminds me of Oogway from Kung Fu Panda. Haha.
As I did not want this to happen again, I decided I wanted to be more strong-minded. I asked him, How do I do that?
On one hand, he made me realize that yes, maintaining mental health and building mental strength can be two different things. Because trust me, I am a highly self-aware person, and I know what to do too, but how do I get to it then?

We did an exercise for mental strength, just like any exercise for physical strength:
1. Sit cross-legged, close your eyes if comfortable, focus on your breath or on one thing in your surroundings.
2. Let the thoughts come and go.
3. Now, shift your focus from your thoughts to what they make you feel in your body.
Work on that.

To my surprise, I felt a tingling sensation on my forehead.
This was one of many things we discussed.

I thought about this further because it went deeper – this was beyond the sport; it was a habit, and not a good one.

Doubt – Are you doing as much as you can? Can you? Are you? If so, why not?
And a sneaky layer of fear just beneath that doubt.
What good did it do? Because if I thought, “I can do more or better,” that’s valid.
I could just get to it then.
But then, talking with Adi sir made me realize that there was this unnoticed and unnecessary fear. It brings a negative tone to it, but let’s say I overlooked it and kept on pushing forward.

I stepped back. Took out time to build that mental strength we were talking about.

I pictured a confident 11-year-old Nidhi taking part in a gymnastics competition just because it was fun. With little to no practice, I stood strong and with grace on the balancing beam, competing with multiple other schools.
I just remember giving my best, with a smile, and guess what?
I came in first place for the first time.
Many such instances flashed before me.

If I have done things like this before, it’s proven. Then, why is that fear/doubt there now? Wasn’t I the one to say, “Face fear, it goes. Avoid fear, it grows”? Why am I being a hypocrite now?

“It’s okay,” I say. We are human at the end! It’s okay to feel the way you do, feel it completely, but don’t get lost in it.

These experiences have sort of been a reminder to me – reflection and a way of regaining confidence.

Cut to our presentation with Gauri Kirloskar. I caught myself just being happy, and I could feel the shift. I wanted to take up more for this presentation because I was excited. We did well : ) and got a positive response. I was genuinely proud.

Even while writing this, it felt like I was understanding my own thoughts and emotions. Therefore, it’s safe to assume that this is an ongoing process.

I end with asking,

“अगर डरते नहीं हो, तो डर के क्यों खेलतेहो?”
“If you’re not scared, then why are you playing like you’re scared?“

– Nidhi